Campfire Wind
by Holdyournose
Summary: One shot. A group of vermin feast by the campfire, only to be disturbed by a smelly mystery. Reviews would be nice since this is my first fic.


Campfire Wind

**Campfire Wind**

This is my first fic, so I'd appreciate reviews. This fic contains lots of crude humor, so if you don't like it, then don't read it. Also, please check out the poll on my profile page.

It was a dark night in Mossflower. The only light came from the stars, the moon, and the campfire where a group of vermin sat. They were nothing but a small band of petty thieves, robbing defenseless travelers who passed by. However, thoughts of theft were in the back of their tiny vermin minds. They had stopped by a river and caught a remarkable amount of fish, enough for satisfy their hunger after barely eating for three days.

Govad, a lanky fox wearing a green bandana, took a big bite out of his fish, juices dribbling down his chin. "This is th' life muckers. Jus' doin' nothin' but eatin' good vittles."

"Yeah," replied Plamen, a tall one-earred stoat. "Good thing I'm a good fisher or else we'd all be goin' 'ungery again."

"Yew didn't catch nothin'!" sneered Wido, a short ferret with a chipped tooth. "I did all th' work!"

Javor, a fat weasel with an eyepatch, kicked dirt at Wido. "All yew did was complain!"

"But all _yew_ did was sleep!" replied Deneb, a skinny rat wearing large, brass hoop earrings.

"That ain't true!" whined the weasel. "I did lots more fishin' than…" He stopped suddenly, taking a few audible sniff. The rest of the vermin did likewise until they clasped a paw on their noses.

Plamen stuck his tongue out win disgust. "Yeech! Who did that?"

Govad, taking his paw off his nose momentarily, glared at Wido. "Yew lil' stinker…"

"What? That weren't me!" said the ferret in his defense. "That un came from over there!" He pointed his finger at Deneb. "Yer th' one always rippin' stinkers!" Another wave of flatulence wafted up the ferret's nose, causing him to gag. "Jus' like that un!" The rest of the vermin immediately blanched and glared at the rat.

"Yew think I can make a stink like that?" asked Deneb as he wrinkled his nose. "I've broken me share o' wind, but nothin' this foul!" He spit on the ground twice. "I can taste it! Yuck!" Yet another blast of gas reached the campfire, causing the vermin to groan.

Wido clasped both paws on his nose. "Okay, that un came from o'er 'ere!" He scooted away from Plamen. "From a certain stinkin' stoat."

Plamen glared at the ferret. "That weren't me!"

Govad took a few sniffs and quickly recoiled. "Yer lies stink almost as bad as yer gas! Do us a favor an' stick that reekin' tailhole o' yers in th' river!"

"That'd kill th' fish," chuckled Javor. He looked at his half eaten fish and tossed it aside, the odor of flatulence causing him to lose his appetite.

Deneb glared at Govad. "Yer one t' talk! Remember last season?"

"Ugh, who could?" asked Wido as he made a face at Govad. "I thought somethin' died!"

"Yew know I wasn't feelin' well," said the fox in his defense. "I ate somethin' bad."

"But we only ate berries,' replied Javor.

Plamen grinned wickedly at the stoat. "Yeah, but Govad 'ad th' ones yew broke wind on!"

The fox glared at Javor. "Yew what?"

"Well, yew was askin' fer it!" snapped the stoat. "Nobeast gets away wi' rubbing their smelly arse on me while I'm sleepin'!"

Deneb snicked wickedly. "Actually, that was my tailhole."

Javor was about to yell at the rat when a wave of flatulence invaded the camp once more. "Again? Who keeps doin' that?"

Wido wafted a paw over his nose. "This stink sin't 'ealthy! Pheeeeew!"

"Whoe'er keeps doin' this, jus' go away an' stand far downwind o' us!" barked Plamen. "My eyes are waterin'!"

Govad, his nose pinched snuggly, looked over at Deneb. "'Old on a second. Yew were th' first one t' start sniffin' when we smelled th' stink. I bet yer th' one who's doin' all this!"

"Fer th' last time, it ain't me!" shouted the rat. "In fact, I bet yer jus' tryin' t' frame me, 'cause yer th' one who' been stinkin' up the camp!"

Plamen nodded in agreement. "Yeah, do us a favor an' stick yer smelly tailhole someplace else!"

"Yer the one who should keep yer tailhole shut!" snarled Javor as he wrinkled his nose at the stoat.

"All o' ye should just stick a cork up yer stinkin' tailholes!" shouted Wido. The vermin carged at each other, punching, kicking and yelling. The fight continued until the odor of flatulence descended upon them once more, causing them to plug their noses, point fingers, and argue.

Squatting behind a bush nearby, a brown-furred mouse held up the base of his tail with one paw while he fanned his burning tailhole with the other. "Darn stew's not sittin' well. I knew spyin' on th' vermin wasn't the best idea." He released another fart, watching the vermin react disapprovingly. "At least they're dumb."

So, how'd I do? Reviews are appreciated and remember to vote on my poll!


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